Thursday, September 22, 2011

so far so stable

well... I ate ALL day yesterday.  I was sure I was going to wake up today to find that I needed to do a correction day to stay within 2 lbs of my last injection weight (137.2) but hey, hey, instead I went down .6 lbs from the prior day's weight to 136.8.

oddly enough though... I still feel really kind of bloated and fat... well I don't really feel fat but I feel like I'm getting fat... some how.  it's probably psychological.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

cop to it

I stopped doing the low calorie thing 3 days early.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  I felt pretty awesome the day after binging at my aunt's funeral but I just couldn't stomach the same old no fat 500 calories.  I was surprised that I didn't have any carb cravings after the funeral... just fat fat fat fat.  It's all I've craved since day 5 vlcd.  MOAR FAT!

So I gave up... I don't know.  I feel my body sucking up the fat.  I FEEL it.  I also feel like I'm gaining weight... and everyone can hang me and say I didn't follow protocol and its my fault but I'm not sure I believe in hcg any longer.  Actually... as tough as eating crow is (is crow fatty?  Maybe it's not so tough.)... I'm pretty sure that I don't belive in hcg.  I believe that the protocol works though I think it's inefficient and not right for me.

I've been reading many blogs and many forum posts (and not enough physics and calculus books- BAD RORA BAD) and one that I read start to finish is SugarFreeGoodiesLike many smart people (some might even accuse yours truly of this), the author comes off a little bit abrasive and know-it-all, and her responses to her "test subjects" lack diplomacy in language, BUT she seems like she's onto something (and she's pretty funny and a clear sci-fi geek) and she might just have a working diet coming to fruition soon.  It's worth a read.  It's got me all FREAKED OUT though because it's through her that I learned that hcg supposedly makes you create more fat cells... that's the last fucking thing I need!

Now... for some calming news (for me)... reading all of these various blogs about people with insulin resistance had me thinking about my own weight and metabolism.  I used to think something was really awry with my metabolism because I gained a lot of weight through puberty (about 10-20 lbs a year from 12 to 16) and I thought I was just particularly - as in more than most people unable to deal with sugar because what caused me to drop own to a normal BMI/150lbs completely effortlessly was to stop drinking soda and juice.

Today, I calculated how much sugar and how many calories a day I was ingesting during those formative teen years... want to guess?  ok, I'll tell you... on any given day, just from juice or soda alone- so not counting any other shit I was eating- I took in between 130-200 grams of sugar and between 600 and 1000 calories.  So, honestly, I think my metabolism dealt with that pretty impressively.  Calories in/calories out is pretty imperfect, but let's assume for a minute it's true... I guarantee you I wasn't eating much healthier outside of my juice/pop but let's say that the juice was my ONLY excess caloric intake... 600calories X 364 / 3500 calories to a lb of fat = 62.4 lbs.

Likewise, in adulthood (age 17 to present), where I only on occasion enjoy soda or juice, I've been losing about 1-2lbs a year... doing nada else (and anyone who has had the unfortunate experience of seeing me eat knows I'm into long distance eating and can go eat a LOT) except not drinking anything but seltzer water on a regular basis (other than water water) and I don't eat sugar too regularly.  I'd be lying to ya if I said I hadn't polished off an entire bag of chocolate peanut butter covered Bugles in late July but I try to keep sugar binges to once a month because it does tend to make me iittttccchhhhyyyy.

My theory was that as I continued to cut out sugar and opt for more sugar free things, I was going to slowly lose weight over the course of many years.  I figured, "why not get the weight off first and just maintain it?  why wait?!" so I did hcg... it's too early to say if I'm going to gain it all back, and my period stopped for like two days when I had eaten a little more carbs, but started right back up again so it could just be period emotions- but I feel like I CAN'T STOP EATING now that I'm in p3 (which isn't that abnormal for me to feel even not on a diet) and I feel like I can FEEL my ass getting bigger.  can I?!  I'm paranoid.  I'm neurotic.  All this food and diet research is making me obsessive.  is giving me an eating disorder.  what the fuck to do...

ok alright

So yesterday was my last injection weight, which means the goal of the next three weeks is to keep my weight within +/- 2lbs.  So far so good... up only .4 today.

Yesterday, I was supposed to eat the p2 foods.  but I ate almost none.  I ate probably half a bag of macadamia nuts, MANY almonds, 2 or 3 slices of cheese, cottage cheese, full fat greek yogurt, lettuce onions and cucumbers with ranch, some snappea crisps, a couple bites of meatballs, 4oz of ground beef in spaghetti sauce.  The nuts alone were probably 500 calories.

I don't know why it's so hard to stick to this now.  I think it's because I don't believe hcg actually does anything.  It's all in the food combining.

Monday, September 19, 2011

down a lil

ok down .8 of my 3.6# gain.. leaving just 2.8 to lose by tomorrow (not going to happen).  so that shit was pretty dumb.  schwatever.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

up down and away

ok so I am up 3.6lbs over yesterday.  I was expecting it to be more but I did drink almost 4 liters of water yesterday.  at most, only 1 lb of that is actual fat (and I actually doubt it's a pound)... so I'm hoping it all comes off quickly and my metabolism is boosted a bit.

Today and tomorrow- strict protocol.  no mixing veggies, no adding fats, blah blah blah.

Saturday, September 17, 2011


My aunt passed away and today my family all got together and it was so early in the morning and we got to bed so late last night and I just didn't prepare.  I suck.  I just wasn't ready.  I started small but the day just turned into a big, carb-y, fatty reload.  Loading.  at the end of the round.  I don't know!  I'm curious about the results though, because I ate absolutely NO sugar.  but I did probably consume like 4000 calories.  Obviously my weight will be up tomorrow, but I wonder if I'll have boosted my metabolism.  meh.  shrug.  whatever.  if it takes me til the end of this round to get back down to 136-so be it.  Just saw some pictures of myself from today (before eating) and I didn't photograph much skinnier than before.  So it looks like I still have ten more lbs to lose anyway.  we'll handle that in another round...  might even take a planned interruption for Oli's birthday and then do another 15 days on p2

Friday, September 16, 2011

ready to move on

my dedication to p2 is waning... it's not that I'm tempted by junk food or anything (thought actually grosses me out)... I'm just... ready to move on... even though there are still losses to be had... I'm hungrier, I'm less content.

I was kind of bad today.  Did this survey at the mall where I had a few sips of vitamin water and a bite of a saltine (to cleanse the palate).  I think the saltine bite can count for the melba I skipped, and probably any sugar from the vitamin water was burned immediately as I walked ALL DAY today.  I didn't drink enough water.  I'm trying to make up for it now... we'll see.  I ate Fage 0% but felt REALLY hungry afterward so also had 3.5 oz of steak.  No vegetables though (I'm out).  Ate too many fucking almonds... I'm just feeling so meh.... so unsatisfied by everything (except fat)... so wanting to move on.

Tomorrow, if there's a loss... no injection... I'm moving on.  If there is a gain, I'll go until I get back to 136 and then I'll move on.  I know I only have four injections left so... who knows I might feel better in the morning (or worse) and feel okay about going about the entire 4 days.

Going about 1.5hrs away to Tonica to attend my aunt's funeral... will be out there all day... not sure what I'm going to do to stay on protocol... guess I'll have to make food in the morning to bring.