cop to it

I stopped doing the low calorie thing 3 days early.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  I felt pretty awesome the day after binging at my aunt's funeral but I just couldn't stomach the same old no fat 500 calories.  I was surprised that I didn't have any carb cravings after the funeral... just fat fat fat fat.  It's all I've craved since day 5 vlcd.  MOAR FAT!

So I gave up... I don't know.  I feel my body sucking up the fat.  I FEEL it.  I also feel like I'm gaining weight... and everyone can hang me and say I didn't follow protocol and its my fault but I'm not sure I believe in hcg any longer.  Actually... as tough as eating crow is (is crow fatty?  Maybe it's not so tough.)... I'm pretty sure that I don't belive in hcg.  I believe that the protocol works though I think it's inefficient and not right for me.

I've been reading many blogs and many forum posts (and not enough physics and calculus books- BAD RORA BAD) and one that I read start to finish is SugarFreeGoodies.  Like many smart people (some might even accuse yours truly of this), the author comes off a little bit abrasive and know-it-all, and her responses to her "test subjects" lack diplomacy in language, BUT she seems like she's onto something (and she's pretty funny and a clear sci-fi geek) and she might just have a working diet coming to fruition soon.  It's worth a read.  It's got me all FREAKED OUT though because it's through her that I learned that hcg supposedly makes you create more fat cells... that's the last fucking thing I need!

Now... for some calming news (for me)... reading all of these various blogs about people with insulin resistance had me thinking about my own weight and metabolism.  I used to think something was really awry with my metabolism because I gained a lot of weight through puberty (about 10-20 lbs a year from 12 to 16) and I thought I was just particularly - as in more than most people unable to deal with sugar because what caused me to drop own to a normal BMI/150lbs completely effortlessly was to stop drinking soda and juice.

Today, I calculated how much sugar and how many calories a day I was ingesting during those formative teen years... want to guess?  ok, I'll tell you... on any given day, just from juice or soda alone- so not counting any other shit I was eating- I took in between 130-200 grams of sugar and between 600 and 1000 calories.  So, honestly, I think my metabolism dealt with that pretty impressively.  Calories in/calories out is pretty imperfect, but let's assume for a minute it's true... I guarantee you I wasn't eating much healthier outside of my juice/pop but let's say that the juice was my ONLY excess caloric intake... 600calories X 364 / 3500 calories to a lb of fat = 62.4 lbs.

Likewise, in adulthood (age 17 to present), where I only on occasion enjoy soda or juice, I've been losing about 1-2lbs a year... doing nada else (and anyone who has had the unfortunate experience of seeing me eat knows I'm into long distance eating and can go eat a LOT) except not drinking anything but seltzer water on a regular basis (other than water water) and I don't eat sugar too regularly.  I'd be lying to ya if I said I hadn't polished off an entire bag of chocolate peanut butter covered Bugles in late July but I try to keep sugar binges to once a month because it does tend to make me iittttccchhhhyyyy.

My theory was that as I continued to cut out sugar and opt for more sugar free things, I was going to slowly lose weight over the course of many years.  I figured, "why not get the weight off first and just maintain it?  why wait?!" so I did hcg... it's too early to say if I'm going to gain it all back, and my period stopped for like two days when I had eaten a little more carbs, but started right back up again so it could just be period emotions- but I feel like I CAN'T STOP EATING now that I'm in p3 (which isn't that abnormal for me to feel even not on a diet) and I feel like I can FEEL my ass getting bigger.  can I?!  I'm paranoid.  I'm neurotic.  All this food and diet research is making me obsessive.  is giving me an eating disorder.  what the fuck to do...

ready to move on

my dedication to p2 is waning... it's not that I'm tempted by junk food or anything (thought actually grosses me out)... I'm just... ready to move on... even though there are still losses to be had... I'm hungrier, I'm less content.

I was kind of bad today.  Did this survey at the mall where I had a few sips of vitamin water and a bite of a saltine (to cleanse the palate).  I think the saltine bite can count for the melba I skipped, and probably any sugar from the vitamin water was burned immediately as I walked ALL DAY today.  I didn't drink enough water.  I'm trying to make up for it now... we'll see.  I ate Fage 0% but felt REALLY hungry afterward so also had 3.5 oz of steak.  No vegetables though (I'm out).  Ate too many fucking almonds... I'm just feeling so meh.... so unsatisfied by everything (except fat)... so wanting to move on.

Tomorrow, if there's a loss... no injection... I'm moving on.  If there is a gain, I'll go until I get back to 136 and then I'll move on.  I know I only have four injections left so... who knows I might feel better in the morning (or worse) and feel okay about going about the entire 4 days.

Going about 1.5hrs away to Tonica to attend my aunt's funeral... will be out there all day... not sure what I'm going to do to stay on protocol... guess I'll have to make food in the morning to bring.

oops

so today I am down .2lbs.  I'm actually a little surprised I'm down at all.  I didn't sleep well, I think I might have had too much water, and... I *gasp* cheated.  YES, cheated.  "Hilarious" because I just told someone yesterday morning that I hadn't cheated once, then that night I ate 11 almonds.  HAH.  I thought that it was going to turn into a binge thing but I felt completely satisfied with 11 almonds.  Entirely content.  Not eating them after that (and right now)... not a problem.  I don't want to be one of those people who cheats and then goes "I just think my body needed Chips Ahoy cookies; I think we should listen to our bodies."
BUT
I do think my body needed those almonds.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm now anemic because of/causing a month long period or if my body just wants fat.  My vote is on the anemia... next time I get a craving for almonds I'm just going to eat more beef.  And I'm going to try to take an iron supplement, if I can find one that isn't useless.

and I may take this back tomorrow or Thursday but I just have a good feeling about having eaten those almonds.  I wonder if sometimes people produce so much cortisol stressing about cheats that they gain.

ehhhhh

back down to 140.4 today... getting annoyed.  not going to bother posting the same picture.  meeehhhhh.  I had to eat a few bites of steak just go to bed last night... period is making me all crave-y and hungry.

one tenth of the way there

I was sure that I wasn't going to lose anything this morning... I made mac and cheese for the family last night and I so, so wanted some, even though the exact same-tasting mac and cheese will be available for consumption in 3 months, I felt like this was the last box.  I got over my cravings, didn't even eat a noodle, but splurged on Truvia.  Truvia is not on protocol but I've been eating it (in small amounts!  I'm not that into sugar) every day with no problems so far.  Night before last, around dinner time, I only ate about 1/2 of my protein and didn't eat my fruit or vegetables but last night I ate everything available to me.  I'm pretty sure my fish was more than 100grams.

I even dipped my strawberries in Truvia.  I guess this isn't weird to people, because the logo for Truvia is a strawberry dipped in Truvia, but I have a thing about making sweet things sweeter: it's unnecessary and fucking gross.  Strawberries in sugar I guess isn't so bad since it's like dessert, but the things people do to sweet potatoes!  disgusting!

Also disgusting, I thought I was constipated because I hadn't gone at my normal time (should have been yesterday morning) so I drank some Smooth Move tea last night and that is probably some of my weight this morning.  That shit works, and a little too well.   I must not have been constipated because there was never anything hard and on the third toilet trip it was all water.  I've been drinking water to compensate.  I don't expect to lose as much, or any, tomorrow, but I say that everyday and have always been surprised.

One amazing thing, then I'll tell you my weight and you'll be done hearing about my bowels, when you do low carb you lose so much water weight and you feel all unbloated and ready to get into smaller jeans right away.  On this diet, I am losing but I still feel bloated and unwilling to try on smaller clothes.  Probably just the period.  When this stupid period goes away I should probably lose more water weight.

OK so today's weight: 146.2!  That's 1.6lbs down from yesterday and 5.8lbs over all!  We'll see how tomorrow goes- no tears if there isn't a loss.

i want some cheeeeese

The next phase of this diet is "p3" wherein one eats basically Atkins induction.

I'm so looking forward to it!

I'm not having a difficult time on this but oh how I miss cheese.  I read somewhere that cheese has opiates in it.  I believe it.

Weighed in this morning at 148.8, 2.2 lbs down from yesterday, and 3.2 overall.  I definitely don't expect to see 2+ lb losses daily, I think I just took a big... ahem... this morning.

there is a lot of booze that is also my weight

the real diet starts

First day v.ery l.ow c.alorie d.iet.  It's generally not difficult for me to not eat anything in the morning... I started to get really hungry when I arrived to school at 10:30.  I ate an apple, felt great through my whole class, and didn't eat anything again until 3:00.

Physically, I am not hungry, including the mental-physical brain hunger.  Nothing.

Psychologically, I just miss eating already.  It's not that bad, it's not hard to get distracted from, and I'll get over it.

I spaced my meals out well, I think.  It's almost 8PM and I still have a protein, a veggie, and a fruit left (and a melba toast, if I decide to eat it).

I made a good dressing out of Bragg's apple cider vinegar.  Pretty much my dressing is vinegar, water, and parsley, basil and black pepper.  I mean... I like it but I just like vinegar.  I used my dressing on some lettuce that I ate with chopped up onion.  This isn't technically protocol buuuuutt... I don't know... I feel like onions are more like a spice (sort of) and jesus shit, 2 cups of lettuce doesn't even have 15 calories.. I HAD to find a way to get more in than that.  I'm going to try not to do that in general.  I just didn't have enough cucumber to make it my vegetable and I want to have asparagus tonight.


I am craving things (bad things) but I am not hungry.  I'm actually glad I'm doing this, just as a lesson in self-discipline.  Catholics do lent for 40 days (and it used to be harder than today's I'm-gonna-give-up-orange-soda Catholics are accustomed to).  I can do this.